| by Katie White |

Today I saw myself in the reflection of the car window. This isn’t something new. Obviously. But what I saw made me realize that I had been living the days of the last month in a complete fog. Not reflecting on what I was seeing, hearing or feeling. I was just doing.


I stopped writing. I stopped choosing to love. Not intentionally, but I just got… sidetracked. October got busy. Days and nights and weekends were full of scheduled activities for the kids. Adam and I were leaving for a 6-day trip to London so I had to get things done at work, childcare planned, directions, phone numbers, medical release forms written and signed. Adam was working through his busiest month of the year at the office.

And then we left for six days last week on a whirlwind trip to London, with a day in Paris thrown in because when will we ever have the chance to go to Paris if we don’t go now? (Our trip is a whole post for itself. That’ll come soon.)

But then we came back this last Tuesday night and I swear I can’t hardly remember what’s happened the last 2.5 days since we returned because reentry is a bitch. Let me say it again: REENTRY IS A BITCH. Being on that kind of trip, for that long, with no responsibilities, just walking and touring and more walking around an amazing and beautiful city full of grand sights and rich history is stupid hard to come home from. Eating and drinking and laughing with 21 other people for six days? Not doing dishes or making your bed or being woken up in the middle of the night or tending to a crying child for six days? Those were good days…

Don’t get me wrong. I missed my babies like mad. But not the responsibility of being an adult that comes with real life back at home. That I could live without for a few more days…

See, reflection is tough. Sometimes it’s really good. Really, really good. Like reflecting on a wonderful trip to London. But when you really see yourself for the first time in a month? Tough. It’s just hard to see your reflection and not really know who you’re looking at. Going through the actions of being a mom, a wife, yes. But I feel like maybe I’ve lost a bit of ME in that time. I’m not sure exactly why. I think maybe I’ve taken a step back and have just watched life play out in front of me rather than being an active participant in it. I just haven’t felt like playing I guess.

Sometimes when things get hard it’s just easier to step back and watch because you don’t have the energy or desire to do anything about it.

Sometimes you realize you need to change those things but don’t know how. Or don’t want to admit how.

Sometimes you realize you need to change those things but don’t want to because it feels comfortable and because you wonder if maybe the pain of figuring out why it’s hard isn’t worth the change.

And sometimes you write a post that makes you realize that that’s exactly when you need to change those things the most.

So here’s to making hard changes. Cheers…

Originally published here.

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