My BFF Tried to Kill Me

| by Lilah Marie |

I guess I wanted to live after all.  After years in the slums of New York City, I felt I had lost my will to live.  However, in the presence of death, my life ebbing away with every breath and unable to hear my heartbeat, I could still feel that the blood leaking from my face was warm.

Warmth, life, faith, I lost these beautiful elements long ago in an ancient past with someone that I once thought to be harmless. Yet we are both here in my dying moment, and she whispers to me “Die”. She wants to smite me out, erase me for she knows I am ugly, worthless, and completely unlovable.  She promised me death and here I die…

China Girl was my closest friend for the greater part of my lifetime. When we met the friendship wasn’t so destructive.   In fact, it seemed to be meaningless even though it turned out to be earth shattering for the rest of my life. She was appealing to someone like me.  I was painfully shy and still completely unsure of myself. She helped me with that.  She helped me be confident in front of the ever-judging eyes of my peers. She made it so I didn’t care what they thought.  As long as my beloved China Girl was in my pocket, I could handle anything life threw at me.

Life was painless with her.  She had a euphoric charisma that I couldn’t live without. Whether we were out with groups or just the two of us, she made me happy all the time.  Who wouldn’t want that?

Of course good things never last.  Change is always at our doorstep, taking something away and giving something back. Change is like the tides of the world, and I was finding myself caught in a ripe tide. You see I removed anyone from my life that didn’t approve of my relationship with China. And as my world got smaller and darker, I became so dependent on her that I was sick with out her. I had a moral decay of character.  The things that I did with her, because of her, most wouldn’t dream of.  If you ever said never around China Girl, I promise you, you will live in your “never” forever. She will rot your soul a little bit at a time, slowly taking everything you love away. How else would she be able to keep you at her beck and call? It was an abusive relationship and my beautiful friend China Girl was the one in control. She reminded me everyday that I wasn’t worth it, that I wasn’t good enough, for anything or anyone. That my life was of no value and that I “should just die”.  And with that I let her smother me.  I had no fight left and I could not go another day in the pain she once shielded me from. I lied down on my bed with a belt crushing my neck and felt my life fade.

I felt the darkness interchange with the light, and finally the light I believed to be my soul was leaving the physical world. This light, this warmth was filled with love and in this love I heard something. A primal voice echoed with conviction, “not yet”.

I have not seen my friend China Girl in quite some time, for she was no friend at all. She was my addiction, she lasted 15 years out of my 35. I overdosed that day and it took me dying to realize how much I wanted to live.

Life is filled with endless second chances, and the chances are only lessons. My lesson left me deep scars to remind me where I came from and where I am now. And, no matter what, I wouldn’t change a thing.

This I Believe.

You may also like...