How Dare You Want More?

| by Anonymous |

Is it alright to feel that you are the luckiest, blessed or whatever person in the world and still feel unfulfilled?  How can someone who has everything they thought they wanted as a young girl and woman still have a gnawing feeling that there has to be more to this life?  I found myself battling these thoughts for several months at a particular time in my life that led me to my moment I call “The Epiphany on the Stairs” one October day.  While carrying a basket of clean clothes upstairs to put away after my wonderful, successful husband had gone to work, and my precious, wonderful children were off to school, I realized I could not do this the rest of my life.  I sat there on the stairs with tears running down my cheeks thinking I had no right to want change, but knowing that as lucky and blessed as I was, I felt a hollow place inside me. There had to be something more to do the rest of my life.

My debating mind began the arguments.  Your family needs you, ~versus~ they are gone the better part of each day.  You would be taking a daunting risk going back into the working world, ~versus~ there are so many possibilities waiting for brave women.  I knew I did not want to go back to my pre-children career of counseling because I wanted my home time to be just for my family.  What else could I do???  Where to begin??? How would others judge me wanting more when I had so much?

I turned to the one person who I felt would suffer the most if I did try to find another career of some sort, and that was my husband.  He would have to pick up the slack.  He would have to suffer my lack of time to devote to running our home seamlessly.  He listened to my tearful apologies for not being totally happy with being a wife and mother, and he gave be the greatest gift.  He said he would wholeheartedly support whatever I needed.  I had given many years exclusively to our family, and if I needed to explore and find something else to fulfill me, he was totally for it.  What a gift he is…and I want to ask more of him after all he has done for our family??

My debating mind began the arguments.  Will the children suffer?  Will my friends think that I am a “ditching” them?  Will they still be my friends?  What in the world would I do?  How do I start over at 42 years of age?   Now that I had found the courage to share my need for change with my family, where would I find the courage to “put myself out there” and face confusion and rejection along the way?  I definitely was a person who liked her comfort zone!!!  After all, look how lucky I was by being safe.

After I faced my emotional knowledge that I was not fulfilled, I processed the problem with my logical knowledge. I made a long list of what I loved and what parameters I needed to fulfill.   I loved children, I loved to be in charge, I wanted to be available to my children when they were not in school, and I needed to learn every day.  I had experience volunteering in schools, so I started exploring there.  Fate or God, whichever you believe in, has a miraculous way of stepping in when we are the most lost.    From my few conversations with principals and human resource people and after my trying days substituting in classes from hell, I took a substitute job in a school I had never been to nor in which I thought I would be interested in pursuing… I took a chance/risk as a personal favor to a Principal.

Fast forward several years, and I have the most rewarding career I could have hoped to discover.  All the uncertainty, wavering, second-guessing was overcome by a sense of helping mankind, learning and using talents I did not know I had and discovering that I became a more compassionate wife and mother.

 

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