It Still Hurts

| by Emma |

I used to be in a very secretive relationship. It was with a girl, and I was never quite comfortable with being open about that. She knew that, and at first everything was okay. She made me feel happy, and loved, and safe no matter what. But eventually things began to change. Every so often she would playfully punch me; it never seemed to be concerning to me, but it was certainly something she had never done before. I didn’t care though. I loved all the quirks she had. Soon things began to escalate. We would get into small arguments, and she would solve them by hitting me and telling me to be quiet. I listened. Eventually, things began to get even worse. There wasn’t a single time that I would see her and not get hit for some reason. She would punch me, slap me, and even kick me. Even though she did all of this to me, I couldn’t walk away. I had opened myself up to her, and she still made me feel loved. She would always make the abuse feel like my fault. I thought I deserved it. She would cry when she hit me, and she would say things like “you probably told someone about me. Why don’t you care about me? Why don’t you understand how awful that would be for me?” I felt so guilty. I didn’t want to leave her, and I knew our relationship was complicated because neither of us were completely open about our sexuality. I wanted her to know that I cared about her. But I was scared. Every time I opened myself up to her, she would hit me, and I genuinely believed I deserved it. This relationship did not last very long, and I still wonder how someone was able to have such an impact on my life within such a short time. One day I was in her apartment, and she was so upset with me that she had pushed me into a table. I had never seen her look so upset. She was crying, yelling, and moving around extremely fast. I was terrified, and for the first time the thought of her killing me crossed my mind. I knew she wouldn’t ever do it. The abuse had never been that extreme, but in her rage and in my pain I realized that she had the power to. I left that day, and I never came back. The saddest part is that I really wanted to. I thought I had found someone that understood me, and having to leave that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But eventually, I realized the truth. She didn’t understand me. She did not care about me. She completely warped my vision of love. Opening up to someone is never easy, but it’s even harder when you think it will result in someone beating the shit out of you. I haven’t been able to enter a relationship since, because I’m scared of what will happen.

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, and I don’t ever expect anyone to understand the emotional obstacles that I still have to face. The only thing that matters to me is that people understand how easy it is to look past abuse. Don’t do it. No matter how much someone claims to care about you, it is never okay for them to hit you or make you feel worthless. Never stick around for someone who makes you feel that way, and always speak up for yourself, because it really can happen to anyone. 


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